My darling girl,
The weight of the world is not yours to bear.
The world may shape you, but it is not yours to carry.
You give and receive love; a ratio constantly in flux. This continuous, flowing change is what makes you uniquely human. Right now, you may need to receive more love than you are able to give. Take it. Take it freely. Take it, void of guilt.
Your heart may sink and your head may hang lower than usual, but your strong legs have always carried you.
And even if they couldn’t carry you, someone else would. Someone else would give love.
You’ve always given love, that’s why you receive love.
But it’s time you really receive it.
It’s time you realize you deserve it.
With all my love,
This is something I wrote on my old blog over a year ago. In rereading this love letter, I first experienced some shame. Shame that in a years time I have forgotten to live this message out. How can I write these words and not genuinely believe them?
I have an idea why this might be. We musician folk tend to be surrounded by other musicians. We naturally flock together. Whether that's good or bad is for you to decide. I personally love it! However...
We have been thrown into one of the most, if not thee most, bizarre situations we will ever face. We've been in this pandemic mess for a painfully long time with seemingly no end in sight. The emotional baggage we are stock piling on this journey is heavy. And sometimes it's too heavy. What do we do when the load is too much? Who do we turn to? Our friends and/or our family. But all my friends are in this same mess. To varying degrees, the people I would turn to are carrying a load they need to lighten as well.
Over the last month, I've noticed myself withdrawal further and further into myself. I can't get myself out of this idea that I shouldn't "unload" to my friends just because they are going through it too. To no fault of their own, I've had conversations with people and gotten the response "well a lot of people are in the same boat." Or "that sucks, but I've been dealing with xyz." Really? A one up on the misery? It's incredibly frustrating, especially as an empath. Us sympathetic folk are going to have our feelings invalidated and then turn around and give those same people the space, the comfort they need.
I can hear the mocking in my own head. "Aw poor thing didn't get her feelings validated." To some, it might not seem like that big of a deal. But to me, it means a sleepless night. It means crying myself to sleep. It means heightened anxiety on the most random of days. It means writing this blog behind glassy eyes filled with tears. It means waking up at 4am and stress cleaning the apartment to feel some semblance of control on a seemingly sinking ship. And the worst one of all - the guilt. Guilt for having emotions. Guilt for needing to talk to someone. Guilt for feeling like I'm falling apart. Because of this, I turn further inward.
But them I'm reminded of a moment of clarity from over a year ago. I deserve love. When my load is too heavy and I don't feel I can carry myself, someone else will. I just have to let them. I have to allow myself the love I rightfully deserve.
We are only human, so of course we won't always get the response we need. But if my grandpa taught me anything, it's this. You are a leader. And the best way to lead is by example. I will continue to really try to hear what someone is telling me. I will try to not be the fixer, throwing solution after solution at someone. Let's face it, this year is a shit show and we have all desperately been doing our research and hustling to try to better the situation. Most of the time, we just need to be heard. And if you're anything like me, most of the time, you just need a damn hug.